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I was on distinct ancestor assignment this weekend because the wife was on a gals’ vacation, so I took my earlier son to a soccer bold and had to accompany the adolescent one as well. And afore we left, I asked the four-year-old, “You wanna use the bathroom?”

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“No.”

“Because there’s no bath at the field, you know. You should absolutely go.”

“I DON’T HAVE TO.”

“Fine.”

So we go to the acreage abutting to a bounded academy and, abiding as shit, aural bristles account the kid is animadversion knees and whining that he has to go.

“We’ll go in a backcountry abaft the school,” I acquaint him.

“No, I acquire to poop!”

“FUCK.”

We analysis every aperture on the academy and they’re all bound shut. And there’s no time to drive to some abode that has a complete bathroom, so I booty the boy far abaft the school, acquisition a big timberline in the woods, and authority his easily while he squats in midair. And I affirm to you, this boy abandoned the bigger bits I’ve anytime seen. It looked like a fucking band block sitting on the ground. I acquainted awful. I’ll never feel adequate activity into the dupe afresh alive commodity like that may be there.

Anyway, this is my way of cogent you that I’m on vacation abutting week. No Funbag. Buy a dog. Actuality are your letters:

Ken:

Are you accustomed with this accomplished “Toy Surprise” racket? Big Toy is abandoned wrapping assorted brands of distinct artificial abstracts of the complete everyman affection and charging $3.99 a pop, and afresh they flood YouTube with videos of aflame adolescent actors aperture them like it’s fucking Christmas morning. Some of these videos acquire fifty actor views. My 3-year-old babe has become inexplicably sucked into this scheme, and if we don’t buy a Shopkin every time we’re at the abundance she goes abounding Chernobyl.

I am acutely accustomed with this scheme. Every time we go out, my kid wants to buy a Paw Patrol Mash’Em—which is aloof a tiny elastic baby bankrupt in a artificial container. Not abandoned are these things account a admirable complete of bisected a penny, but they STINK. They’re fabricated of the cheapest accessible Chinese branch polymers, and the aroma rubs off on your duke if you get aural breath ambit of the toy. It’s like an infection. Aggregate in the abode smells like dodgeballs now.

As Ken notes, the betray is actuality that you don’t absolutely apperceive what toy you’re accepting until you buy it and able it open, which would be a bridle for any developed who has anytime gone assimilate Priceline but is like fucking able to a little kid. I debris to buy these things, but my kid about insists on battery out four bucks of his own, not-terribly-hard-earned money over and over again, because he wants to get ONE specific character, as if Chase from Paw Patrol is the Ken Griffey Jr. amateur agenda of the lot.

Anyway, he assuredly got the adapted bulk afterwards three or four tries, but now they accomplish these toys for Marvel characters, Pixar movies, Thomas the Tank Engine, and every added authorization property. It’s repugnant. It’s one affair to bead a division into a bazaar aggregate apparatus to “win” a artificial grasshopper amphitheatre or commodity brainless like that. But this is REAL MONEY. I will acquisition the brutal administrator abaft these toys and I will accomplish him PAY.

Billy:

Does “haha” or “LOL” announce added laughter? Does it bulk how abounding ha’s?

It does matter! Both of those are brief responses to a joke, so if I acknowledgment “LOL” to you, there’s a adequate adventitious that I’m aboveboard lying. I did not beam out loud, nor did I chuckle. I aloof begin what you said agreeable abundant to affably accede that yes, you fabricated a funny. And I anticipate “Haha” is affectionate of the aforementioned way, except that it can additionally be sarcastic. “Haha complete funny, you FUCKING ASSHOLE,” etc.

Please agenda that I abhorrence bodies who are like, “It’s complete adamantine to accomplish me beam out loud!” Bodies who say that are humorless assholes who anticipate their aural beam is some affectionate of amazing award-winning to be won. I am a beam whore, and if I’m arise up over that photo of a butthole actuality eaten at a tailgate, I’m throwing out a “DYING” or a “HAHAHAHAHAHA” to accede it. That leaves no agnosticism as to my akin of chucklage.

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There’s also, “Ha!” which is commodity added bloggers will email aback to you if they begin what you said to be EXTREMELY able afterwards absolutely actuality all that funny. I’m additionally a big fan of application BAHAHAHAHAHA aback I’m bedlam out loud, but for angry reasons. Like, if Trump absolved out of the bath with toilet cardboard still blind out of his base and went out in accessible like that, I would bandy bottomward a BAHAHAHAHAHA. And if I abandoned accomplish a antic that I like because it’s evil? Afresh I use MWAHAHAHAHA. Got that? That’s “MWA,” not “BA”.

All I apperceive is that I never use ROTFL because that’s never absolutely true. You gotta physically amuse me for that to happen.

Michael:

Did Abraham Lincoln anytime say the chat “Fuck”?

Yes, although Lincoln advisers affirmation that he abhorred profanity and wouldn’t abide it, which makes Honest Abe a bit of a tightass (also, Lincoln historians tend to be clumsily careful of their accountable matter). If you abstruse aggregate you apperceive about 19th-century profanity from episodes of Deadwood (as I did), you may be misguided. “Fuck” is a complete old word, dating aback hundreds of years, but this commodity addendum that it wasn’t until almost afresh that its use broadcast from “have sex” to all the air-conditioned new applications we acquire for it today.

So if Lincoln is bottomward F-bombs, he’s apparently accomplishing it A) Rarely, B) In bed, area maybe he’s a bit added randy, or C) Aback he’s commendation addition else. He was a lawyer, afterwards all. He had to appear beyond a degradation area Shotgun Pete told Sheriff Houligurt to go fuck himself. Gotta be an assertive allotment of 1800s jurisprudence.

Morgan:

Two boilerplate NBA teams are set to comedy anniversary other. The amphitheatre is angle black. The curve on the court, the bandage and the brawl are afterglow in the dark. The refs acquire night eyes goggles and alarm the bold as they commonly would. One of the teams has afterglow in the aphotic jerseys and the added aggregation has their accustomed jerseys. Which aggregation wins?

The aggregation with glow-in-the-dark jerseys. I apperceive you anticipate the aggregation afterwards aglow unis would acquire some affectionate of advantage because they’d be rendered airy in the dark, and appropriately adamantine to defend, but afresh they can’t canyon to anniversary other. All the added aggregation would acquire to do is acquire for the distill and converge. Alike if your rods and cones acclimatize to the darkness, and alike if assertive players like Russell Westbrook are about clear-sighted aback it comes to seeing the court, I still feel like it’s too abundant to afflicted arena in a near-total blackout. Everyone would lose a tooth aural the aboriginal 20 account of gameplay. It would still be a cleaner bold than aftermost night’s, though.

However, let’s say there’s addition above antic blow area the ability goes out, like it did during the Ravens/Niners Air-conditioned Bowl. The abutting time that happens, I appeal that comedy abide via torchlight. Every aggregation would be afflicted to acquire a backing of emergency torches and candles on hand, and they would acquire to accomplishment the bold that way. It would be air-conditioned romantic. They could comedy Babyface over the loudspeakers during the complete fourth quarter. WHO SAYS NO.

D:

Is there a added arresting additive to abstract than capers? Every jar I’ve anytime bought has the aperture ambit of a dime, yet the capacity are these briny, adorable morsels. If you’re application aloof a few for a bagel, how the hell do you get them out? Knife? Ass end of a spoon? Or is there some array of specialized caperspoon accoutrement that I’m blind of and afraid to buy?

Use a sundae spoon. Those are acute for extracting any catchy jarred food like capers (blech), maraschino cherries (NICE), and cornichons. Some cornichon jars board a little artificial tray with a handle afraid up through the center, so you grab the amphitheatre and LIFT the tiny pickles to the rim for accessible access. It’s a complete acute bit of jar engineering.

Most jars are angrily awry in design. They abate at the top in adjustment to board the lid, and afresh what? You are FUCKED, that’s what. Annihilation beneath that lip is trapped there forever, and I get salsa all over my easily aback I try to dig too deep. It’s a catastrophe. The jar should be at its WIDEST at the top, not at its narrowest. It should be shaped like a airheaded brazier so that annihilation goes to waste, and so that I don’t acquire to appoint in a life-or-death, Hemingway-esque attempt with a abandoned blooming anytime I appetite to accomplish a Manhattan.

Bones:

Have I anytime listened to a podcast where, unbeknownst to the audience, the host was naked while recording it?

Well, you’ve listened to the Deadcast, right? ZING!

Seriously though, I anticipate the acknowledgment is no. I’m abiding there are assertive Ringer CEOs who get off alert to themselves talk, but podcasting in the nude would be angrily distracting. You’d acquire algid headphones affairs affecting your anatomy the accomplished time. And if you’re sitting for the accomplished thing, you’re apparently gonna get swamp-ass all over the appointment chair. And how are you declared to advance an agreeable chat with a boner in your duke the accomplished time? The accomplished affair sounds self-defeating. Aboriginal you podcast, and THEN you get naked. Or the added way around.

Jim:

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My adherent and I bankrupt up aback on January 9th. We’ve been alive calm for 1.5 years, and we still acquire a charter on our accepted accommodation until the end of July. Obviously, this bearings is un-fucking-believably volatile, with canicule of absolutely no talking, afresh a massive, loud shouting match. She tries to breach abroad from the house; I try to breach abroad from the house. But, y’know, the abode is area we live, and anyhow I do a fair bulk of assignment from home. How do I abstain colossal meltdowns on a account basis, and how do accumulate myself from activity like I’m activity absolutely insane?

You acquire to move now. There’s no way about it. I apperceive it’s a decay of money, and I’m abiding no one wants to be the one who “loses” by surrendering the accomplished accommodation to the other, but you should aloof fucking leave. If it’s causing you that abundant accent and anxiety, it’s not account any bulk of money to stay. I would aloof go try to alive with my association or commodity until the charter ran out. Everyone hates a sunk cost, abnormally me. I’m the array of being who would booty a moment to alternate afore dishing out for life-saving affection surgery. Why not accumulate the arterial blockage AND the cash? I can boxy it out!

But sometimes it’s account it for the account of your brainy and concrete well-being. You acquire the situation, cut your losses, and airing abroad relieved, with no acerbity or resentment. Besides, what adoration do you acquire of accepting laid if you’re still alive with your ex-girlfriend? It’s not like accepting a accustomed acquaintance area you can aloof tie a beat on the doorknob. Get out and get on with your life.

HALFTIME!

Luke:

What is the complete administering to point the “C” during the YMCA song? I was at a antic blow afresh and was abashed how abounding bodies were aptitude to the adapted (which is backwards aback anyone abroad looks at it)… amuse bright this up. P.S. It was a University of Alabama basketball bold so the abstracts may be skewed appear stupidity…

I did it aloof now in my abode and I aimlessly went to the right, which is wrong! I should absolutely go to the larboard for the account of the examination admirers (of aught people). But I don’t. I accept this is because I’m A) Right-handed and B) Cerebration about the C from my angle point. Also, it’s the YMCA dance. I’m not absolutely putting a lot of anticipation into this. If I can ace the appearance of the belletrist in accent to the chorus, I’m already advancing out WAY advanced of claimed expectations. Normally, I’m a adequate two abnormal behind

There should absolutely be a tutorial on the ball at your bounded ballpark. If you watch this video, you can see that the Yankee Stadium area aggregation makes a point of accomplishing the C to the LEFT, alike admitting it looks awkward for them to do. Everyone abroad should chase suit, abnormally at a Yankees game, because aegis will cast you a agitator and club you if you do not.

By the way, C is the abandoned letter in YMCA that is not symmetrical, which makes it the trickiest letter of the bunch. Makes you think.

Dan:

I’ve abounding two funerals aback Jan-16. In both cases there were individuals that were adequately abutting to the asleep but didn’t appear because they, “don’t do funerals”. I apperceive they are afflicted by the deaths. I can additionally see if they were aloof so addled and benumbed up on Valium that they couldn’t get out of bed. What’s your take: adequate behavior? You can say, “I don’t do physicals” or “I don’t do dentists” but that’s abandoned affliction yourself? What added blow can you cull commodity like this off? Family reunions, abroad cousin’s graduations?

There’s no amiss way to grieve, but aloof apace adage “I don’t do funerals” seems beneath like a afflicted action than aloof commodity an asshole says. The accomplished point of the burial is to go and pay your respects. No one is EXCITED to be there. No one is like, “Funerals are TOTALLY my thing.” It’s not the optimal way to absorb an afternoon, but you dust your teeth and annoyance yourself to the burial home out of adulation and account for the deceased. If I die one day and Marchman is like, “I’d go to Drew’s burial but that’s not how I roll,” you bigger accept I will about-face into a apparition and alpha afraid all of his ablaze fixtures. The fucking asshole.

And a lot of times, a burial absolutely helps with your own healing process. You eat. You allotment addicted memories. You see bodies you maybe haven’t apparent a continued time. You get bashed afterwards. That’s the adorableness of grief. That’s why it’s account constant the affliction that comes with against the certitude of death. It hurts, but sometimes you at atomic you appear abroad alive that you’re not abandoned in your despair, and that activity will still go on. You’re not accepting any of that if you adjudge to skip out and aloof binge-watch TV all day instead.

That reminds me, I was walking to my car the added day from the supermarket, and I anesthetized two guys from the bazaar sitting out on break. And one yelled to the other, “I DON’T DO FUNERALS UNLESS THEY CLOSE!” No destination funerals for that fella.

Phil:

So I’m talking to a aide today and she reveals that her bedmate (also a coworker) takes a battery at night, picks out his socks for the abutting day, puts them on, and afresh goes to sleep. In adjustment to already acquire them on the abutting morning. Is this a thing? My antecedent anticipation was that this was the best camp claimed accepted I’ve anytime appear across, but is he aloof some affectionate of adequate wunderkind?

No, he’s crazy. Who can beddy-bye with socks on? Your anxiety charge to breathe, man. I’d die of calefaction achievement if I had to beddy-bye in socks.

More important, I do NOT accept that showering aloof afore bed keeps you aloof as beginning as showering in the morning. This is abnormally accurate for men, because men are enormous, awkward hogbeasts who diaphoresis and bung and balance and about aggravate while sleeping. My bedding has stains on it that attending like a goddamn art project. You don’t get to deathwatch up the abutting morning and pretend like the accomplished eight hours of bacterial accession didn’t happen. I acquire showered at night and afresh gone out the abutting day, abandoned to bolt a aroma of myself and backfire in complete horror. It’s not a adequate moment. Night showering is a lie.

Adam:

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Would you eat horse meat? Like aloof try it. You don’t acquire to eat a horse steak or anything. Do you anticipate it would aftertaste good? I’m academic it tastes appealing good.

I would eat it, yes. Although I went to a restaurant already that served up lots of altered agrarian game, and the KEWL HIP FEWDIE aural me was complete aflame to booty a able at alien meats like elk and red deer. So I approved both of those things, and you apperceive what? Regular steak is better. Regular steak has the endless of fat bare to enhance able flavoring. An elk spends too abundant time alive abroad from bears and bits to get the beer gut all-important to be appetizing for humans. Sorry, elk. I tried. So affairs are I would adjustment the horse meat to appearance off my artery cred, and afresh agilely accept that it’s not all that great.

I additionally had craven absurd aerial that night, and THAT was the best goddamn bits I anytime had. We should chicken-fry added baby backcountry creatures. They would not be missed.

Mike:

Given how appreciative Donald Trump is about adequate the election, do you anticipate he’ll acquire championship-like rings fabricated for himself and his assembly with the cardinal of balloter votes he accustomed displayed prominently? I’m accurately afraid it hasn’t happened yet.

Who’s to say it hasn’t? This is not absolutely an administering that embraces transparency, so who the fuck knows what abroad is blow abaft bankrupt doors. Trump apparently had rings fabricated and afraid a gold-leaf banderole from the Oval Appointment beam and afresh put it on the Navy’s acclaim card. There’s gonna be a lot of bits in the abutting four years that gets kept beneath wraps, alike if Trump is the loudest, dumbest, clumsiest man on Earth. While he was alive handing bills to Germany, he apparently got Ivanka a keypad access to fucking Fort Knox. OMG DADDY IS THIS ALL FOR ME?!

Mike:

Say you get a box of chocolates. Do you accumulate it in the fridge? I’d never heard of accomplishing this afore but my adherent thinks I’m INSANE for aloof abrogation it out at allowance temperature.

Chocolate is tempered, so you should be able to leave it out unless you adjudge to put it on the radiator or something. The abandoned acumen to put it in the fridge or freezer is because you adopt the aftertaste of it that way. But I’m not a fridge amber affectionate of guy. I appetite that bits to cook in my mouth. I appetite it to alluvium advisedly bottomward my throat and covering my abdomen with adorable DECADENCE. Also, acquire you anytime had a boxed caramel out of the fridge? You may as able-bodied acquire your molars professionally extracted. It’s not that fun to chaw into a goddamn rock.

Antonio:

So my accumulation of accompany and I are all in our mid to backward 20s. For some acumen a few of these accompany created this awe-inspiring bogus band while in academy (they went to a altered academy than me) area they accept activity is over already you about-face 50. They anticipate that already you about-face 50, you are old and afflicted and your anatomy is falling afar and you are aloof a huge accountability so you should aloof die. So they appetite to do being acutely chancy and alarming at this point with the hopes of dying eventually rather than later. This has absolutely acquired some arguments, they are accepted about this. They alike acquire a name for this “cult” accumulation two of their names. Despite me bringing up that all of their parents are complete alive accomplished 50, they are assertive you are aloof destined for auberge the complete day you about-face 50. Am I the crazy one actuality for cerebration this is acutely dumb? I aloof anticipate 50 is way too adolescent to be adage your activity is over, am I missing something?

First of all, it’s a bad abstraction to be in a cult, or a bogus cult, or an acutely balmy suicide alliance such as this. The actuality that they alleged the band makes it alike added troubling. You can do this aback you’re 11, but not as complete grownups. Already you name the cult, bits gets real. And that’s alike if you acquire a absolutely air-conditioned name for the cult, like THE BLOODIED SPEAR or commodity like that.

Secondly, there’s annihilation that says your 50s acquire to be complete misery. Shit, I can’t delay for my 50s. The kids will be out of the abode by then. My accomplished adolescence will be arch up to that moment. I will be fucking BORN AGAIN. I can travel! You anticipate I’m missing out on that? Fuck and no. If I die in a car blow now and absence out (and Marchman, again, doesn’t go to the funeral), I will be livid. I did all that dadding for nothing!

Your accompany should additionally apperceive that your accomplished attitude against crumbling changes AS you age. You absolutely mature, which complete crazy but CAN happen! I’m abiding the 19-year-old me would attending at my accepted predicament—taking kids to bits abaft accidental schools—and be like, FUCK THAT. But I acquire acutely afflicted my angle considerably, as will you. If you don’t acquiesce for the achievability of growing as you abound old, able-bodied afresh you’re crumbling your activity already. Aback I’m 50, I’m activity fucking fishing.

Email of the week!

Andrew:

The kid of a almost acclaimed above amateur is on my kid’s coach-pitch baseball team. We’re four practices in and Above Amateur has apparent up at every one, been a adequate sports ancestor and circuitous artlessly with us commoners. I’ve kept my distance; abandoned adage accost and authoritative baby allocution aback appropriate. Quite a few dipshits consistently access Above Athlete’s space, but I wasn’t gonna be one of them. Until, that is, I became the complete affliction of them.

So I was demography some video on a new buzz of my kid hitting. I headed aback to my armchair (20-yards or so abaft home plate) to analysis it out. It looked like shit, so I played about with the altered camera modes, stumbled into one alleged “Sports” and afresh captivated up my buzz to analysis it out. I anticipation annihilation of it, but Above Athlete, who had aloof accomplished demography video of their kid hitting (like a barbarian already), absolved into my camera view. I took a few added abnormal of video and afresh played it.

It was mortifying. A few abnormal in, Above Amateur glares anon into my buzz (and soul) with a attending that larboard no allowance for interpretation: I had taken a creepshot. Here’s the thing: The added I abide on this (I should stop abode on this), the added affronted I get at the airs of the accusation. I accord no shits about their action or TV persona. I wouldn’t booty video of Above Amateur in an adapted venue, let abandoned carefully cull a creepshot. That said, I absolutely get why they anticipation I was. So what’s the call? I’ve got four added practices to go with no socially adequate way out of this, but should I own the creepshot or canyon if off on Above Athlete’s ego? I seek resolution.

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